Why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go?

havent written in a while because I dont really need to anymore...kinda funny how that works...something that was once really important to me is not anymore...

My life is finally coming together...I have about 2.5 months left of school adn then I begin my internship in July...I have one more summer of camp...I get to go for the whole month and be the beach director which will be fun....It will be sad when I leave but I guess part of growing up is leaving behind important things in your life in order to pursue new important things like family and a career...

I am excited for the HUGE change that is about to occur and yet a bit nervous but who isnt?  Soon I will be considered an adult and will live and "adult" life...hopefully I will get married and start my own family in the next 5-10 years...man it is crazy how fast this life goes...before I know it I will be on my death bed taking my last breath...

So I guess I am done with livejournal at least for the time being...I will keep my journal open and check in with everyone occasionally, at least for a while...

I wish you all the best and hope that your lives are filled with happiness and love...I hope as you all blossom into adults that the change is gradual and welcomed with as few bumps as possible along the way...

And it all falls into place...

My uncle died on New Year's Eve...I went to a party that night and was definately not the life of the party...I had fun in between the random bouts of sobbing...I did drink a little too much...I fell asleep on the chair and Nate got me a pillow and kept piling blankets on top of me...I started crying because of his kindness...There was this really really drunk girl there and she so wanted my boyfriend...I found it kinda humerous actually...almost sad...she seemed so desperate and lonely...we gave her a ride home around 3:30am...

My great grandmother died a week after my uncle...she was 94 years old and went peacefully...

I went to my uncle's funeral on Thursday and to my Great Grandmother's yesterday...my uncle's funeral was lovely...my great grandmother's was not so lovely...my dad's family is strange and it felt more like a wedding, not a funeral...we had seating arrangements, talk about fucking bizarre.

I start school on Tuesday and am not looking forward to it...I guess to look on the bright side it is only one more semester and then I am DONE!  

I am making chicken and dumplings in the crockpot...it smells good :)  Dinner is gonna be comforting and warm.

That is all.

My christmas sucks but I will attempt to abbreviate the reasons:
I had to work
I picked up 4 bodies
I had to unlock the doors so someone could come in and view their husband
My boyfriend and his friends got really drunk and took over the apartment (which was fine until they started smoking in it and the whole place smelt like a fucking bar)
I puked around 4am before picking up a body
While picking up said body the family was worried about me because I was so sick and was "as white at the wall"

SO there is my craptackular holiday...I hope everyone elses went smoothly.

Two finals down
One to go

Trying to study but need a breather...I am excited for break! Time to vegge, play video games, get crunk and just relax! Sleep! That is what I am looking forward to the most. Well I am off to attempt more studying.

I feel better today...I think the hangover thing really effected my mood yesterday...but doesn't it always? George is working for me tomorrow (bless him)...our schedule got kinda screwy because of Christmas break and shit...so we have decided to kinda switch days here and there to make it even...he is going back home to be with his family for a week starting Xmas eve and I work for one week...then I am off for a week...my mom, my sister and I are going to Texas in January to visit the aunts...I guess my great aunt Glorie is really exicited and is planning all of the stuff we are gonna do while down there...it should be fun :) Well my day has been pretty uneventful thusfar...I have started my new Hobbit game on Xbox (I keep getting found by the trolls) and there is a funeral at 2:30pm...they should be out of here by 3:30 and I can lock up and wash a few cars around 5pm...then I can continue to vegge...My last final isnt until Wednesday so I think that I am not gonna study until Monday and Tuesday...then I am done for a whole month :) Well I got nothing else...talk to you all later :)

So...let's start by saying that I am extremely hungover...and somehow I managed to get up and go shopping with my boyfriend and his friends and we got a monopoly game. Tou seemed like he really wanted me to play with him tonight...so I started work and came downstairs to check my email and to see if there was anythign I needed to know about and then I go upstairs and Tou and everyone is already playing monopoly. I say "I thought you wanted me to play" and Tou says "Oh jump in" and me being the martyr that I am say "No you already started plus I dont really like monopoly anyways. ANd then I left. My apartment is taken over, they are watching a movie and playing monoply at the coffee table...there are no chairs to sit in and nothing to do. SO here I am downstairs frustrated and feeling hurt with nothing to do but work. And there is nothing to do at work...I really just wnated to have a quiet night a home watching CSI and eating crackers. I guess not.

I feel kinda...lost...I guess...maybe more confused...all of these question marks ruling my life and folks, I am just not used to living like that...I like having plans...writing "to do" lists with little empty boxes that I can put a check mark in after completion of the objective...I like knowing where I will be next year...and I dont.

I just dont know where I will be in 7 months...I have called 17 funeral homes looking to set up an internship or even just a meeting to come in and talk with the owner and "network"...I am mainly focusing on St. Paul but have also contacted funeral homes in White Bear Lake, Forest Lake, Columbia Heights and Brooklyn Center...I guess I am "planning" on living in the Northeastern suburbs, probably Brooklyn Park or Brooklyn Center and I am "planning" on getting an apartment with Tou but he wont give me an answer. One minute he is talking to his friends about how "we" are gonna get a place next spring, or talking about what "we" would like in an apartment (ie animal friendly, balcony, onsite laundry, AC, garage) but then when I use the "we" speech he looks at me and says "what is all this 'we' talk?" I just want a fucking answer...but I guess this is just how he is...he'll be all spontaneous one day and look at me and say "Let's go look at apartments!" I guess his spontaneous-ness is probably good for me...I mean I am Ms. Plan-it...*sigh* I dont know

All I know is, finding an internship is a bitch, attempting to save money in order to be able to afford deposit and the first 2-3 months rent for a future apartment is a bitch, trying to secure a car is a bitch...basically growing up and being an "adult" is a bitch...

quarter life crisis here I fucking coming!
Someone catch me, I am about to fall.
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on my fucking face.
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splat

Do you know the most annoying time to get a call? It is between 6-6:30am...because it is an hour before I usually wake up and because if they called closer to 7, I probably wouldnt have to go...although going makes me money...I would rather slip a little longer and go on the removal during the day...I dont know...all I know is that I was cut short on my sleep by one hour...fuckin A...and that is what is the most annoying.

I stuck myself with a needle while sewing up an incision...I thought it would be a good idea to practice embalming here...and so I was and I was almost done until I decided to try a new unfamiliar stitch...oops...I slipped and poked my finger, it broke the skin...Luckily the lady was 98 and died of natural causes but they are still gonna make me go on drugs...*sigh* what a fucking day.